I don’t post about my faith often, but when I do, it’s because it’s who I am and this is my space. If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine, but this is my truth and I’m not going to argue with you about it.

Back lo these many years ago, I used to be on my church’s drama team, and I really enjoyed it. Our director wanted us to be able to focus totally and completely on rehearsal and not on the stresses of our daily lives, so she created something called Baggage. Baggage was these cards we’d fill out as soon as we walked in, where we’d write down everything that was weighing on our minds. We’d then place them in a basket. The theory was that by writing it out, we acknowledged that those things were there, we weren’t forgetting them or casting them aside as unimportant, but rather placing them elsewhere for safekeeping. At the end of rehearsal, we’d bring the basket to the center, and we’d pray over them. You could take yours back- sharing wasn’t a requirement- but since Christians are all about praying for each other, I seem to recall that being rare.

It feels like I’ve got a million things on my mind lately, and work is really busy and requires my full attention, so I’m going to attempt to leave things here for the day until I have the time to wrap my head around them again.

I cried myself to sleep last night, just sobbing to God about everything weighing so heavily on my heart, and I woke up feeling vaguely hungover (I’ve never actually HAD a hangover, but I would imagine they feel vaguely like this). I’m sad and angry today. I’m sad at situations that have arisen, at discoveries I have made, and at the way recent days have unfolded. I’m sad that I seem to be back in a place where I’m not trusting God with things. But I’m so angry at Him right now, that I feel like I don’t want to trust. I used to be glad that He guarded my heart and kept me from making decisions that would ultimately lead to regret. But right now I feel like in doing so He is taking away my free will. I’m angry because I think He might have answered a prayer, but not in the way I wanted. I’m angry because if He did answer it, He did it in an incredibly painful way, and I just don’t understand. I’m hurt, and angry, and sad, and it just really sucks.

I’m sitting at my desk right now, needing to be doing about 8 things other than what I’m doing, but taking five minutes to just try and get this out of my head while tears brim in my eyes and I desperately hope my coworkers don’t notice how red they are. And now that I have, it’s time to buck up, put on my big girl pants and get to doing my job.

Please let this work.