(a post in which I both talk about Jesus and cuss like a sailor. Sorry Matt)
Normally Christmas is my favorite time of year. The decorations, the music, the beauty of the snow (in places where it actually does that) and the general atmosphere. I don’t stress over the shopping, I enjoy it. I love decorating my house, and I drive the slightly longer and more inconvenient way home from work or wherever I happen to have been so that I can drive past the front of my house and see the tree in the window (I live on a corner and my parking spot on the driveway is harder to pull into from that direction).
For me, it is also about celebrating the birth of Jesus. I’m okay with the fact that it isn’t that way for everyone, but for me it is. My faith is a very important part of my life, and that means that Easter and Christmas have great significance for me. Your mileage may vary.
But not this year. This year the holiday has come at me like a train, mocking me with the fact that I totally over-committed myself. There are presents to buy and wrap, cards to send out and a house to decorate. And no time to do any of those things because in addition to ATI’s fundraiser, which is becoming an annual commitment, I also agreed to embroider a collar and cuffs for an SCA dress as a favor to a friend. I’m usually a pretty fast stitcher, but fill-work takes far longer than I thought. Things I normally enjoy feel like a burden, and I really hate that. I’m working about 9 hours a day at work and then stitching for 4-5 hours every evening. I’m averaging 5.5 hours of sleep a night, which is no doubt contributing to this *mood* I’ve been in.
ATI decided to do a silent auction for “beautifully decorated Christmas trees” at the fundraiser this year. A tree farm gave us a really really good deal on 10 trees, but only 5 of them sold. So it seemed like a no-brainer that we’d each take a tree home. Thing is, I’m a Christmas tree snob. I didn’t realize how much of a one until now. I prefer Noble Fir Christmas trees. The trees we got for the fundraiser are Douglas Firs, or as I call them- Puffball trees.
I wanted a Noble, like every year. But the practical part of me who is trying to be a financially responsible adult said “The tree you want is gonna be about $80. This tree is free.” Free, but also fucking UGLY. I hate it. I hate it a lot. I can put the star on top of the tree without standing on anything. That should not be possible.
Why yes, I am an ungrateful bitch, thanks for asking.
Not only is it fugly, my housemates were in charge of putting it up and it stayed in its netting in the living room for FOUR FUCKING DAYS and now the branches won’t fluff out. I’d have done it myself, but have I mentioned the insanely busy? Because I’m pretty sure I mentioned the insanely busy. Plus, I got the tree and brought it home, they didn’t have to pay anything for it, is it so much to ask that they set it up? Finally last night Rick says to me “What do you think the odds of getting that tree up tonight, since my son is coming tomorrow?”
Oh I don’t know Rick. It’s not like you’re home all day every day and could have done it days ago, of course I will drop everything I need to do tonight and help you with it.
We got it into the stand, and then Rick left me to decorate it by myself, saying he had a bunch more cleaning he had to do to prepare for his son’s visit. When I finished decorating the tree he was in the TV room on his computer, watching CSI. There was still a trail of dead ants on the stove and by the sink (the cold is driving them in- there’s no loose food in our kitchen and they keep going for places like the sink where there is water). I HATE ants. I get the heebie jeebies for like, an hour if any get on me. If you don’t want to help me, don’t help me, but tell me that, don’t make excuses.
Usually by now the tree has been up for 2 weeks and all the gifts are bought and wrapped and under it waiting. This year, I still have about 6 gifts to buy, and some of them are just gonna have to wait until after Christmas. Nothing is wrapped. My embroidery project has pushed everything to the side, because it needs to get done ASAP. It is going a little bit faster than I thought it would, which is good, but I’m still not sure it’ll be done by the original date I said I’d deliver. That stresses me out because I like to be a person of my word, though I’m such an over-committer that it gets harder and harder.
My depression has also been bad recently for a variety of reasons, among them stress making my eating disorder flare up, getting overtired has always been dangerous for me and my emotional health, and in the rush rush rush that is my life these days I keep forgetting to take my pills. I hate feeling this way, I hate that every other sentence out of my mouth surrounding this holiday starts with “I hate” and I just want it all to be done already. Christmas go away so I can focus on other things. And for someone who usually loves this time of year, it’s a sad sad state. Perhaps the worst part is that it seems like a whole lot of people are feeling that way this year. Merry Fucking Christmas.
*I also hate the Grinch, always have, but it’s a fitting title for me right now.